"Fresher than your excuses."

"Fun fact: I peaked in the womb."

"Gaslight. Gatekeep. Institutionalise."

"Get in the bin."

"Hot mug. Cold heart."

"I don't rise and shine, I caffeinate and hope."

"I faked it. Every. Single. Time."

"I Googled my symptoms. Turns out I just hate people."

"I laugh. I cry. I sip. I spiral."

"I outlived Nan for this?"

"I peaked in 2016."

"I survived another meeting that should’ve been an email."

"I test meds on locals."

"Inhale caffeine, exhale judgement."

"It’s giving… shut up."

"I’m not late. Everyone else is just early."

"I’m not rude. You’re just annoying."

"I’m only nice on weekends."

"Laughed during the exorcism."

"Low effort. High standards."

"Mentally clocked out."

"Microwaved baby formula."

"Mum of the year? Piss off."